I’m Still In The Middle.

It’s been a while since I’ve written….

I could give you all the reasons why it’s been moved to the bottom of the list, but instead – I think I’m just gonna be a little vulnerable.

I’m still figuring it out. 

This life thing.

This wife thing.

This daughter thing.

This friend thing.

This business owner thing.

This woman thing.

This confidence thing.

This faith thing.

This peace thing.

All of it.

I’m still in the middle.

I think there’s a part of me that wants to write about the struggle only once I’ve reached the finish line. Of a hard season, of a lesson, of wedding season, etc.

I want to have things all figured out before I have the courage to be vulnerable. I’ll tell you about the bumps and bruises – but only after they are fully healed, and just are tiny scars. Because in the middle of the struggle, sometimes talking about it is the hardest part.

In the middle of feeling lonely, the last thing I want to do is admit it. In the middle of feeling overwhelmed, the hardest thing is to admit that I need to take a step back. In the middle of being hurt, the last thing I want to do is show you the wound.

I’m the kind of person that will buckle down and get through it. I’ve never been one to quit when things get hard. I’m a little too stubborn for that. I’ve never been one to throw up the deuces and say “Peace Out” when a conversation gets awkward. I’ll sit there and wait for resolve, even if it takes hours.

But with myself – I’m not as patient. I have a really hard time letting myself have grace for those awkward middle moments. I get frustrated with myself when I realize that there are areas that even after months or years of trying, I still haven’t figured out.

We just got back from a weekend with my family and closest friends to the beach. We had no cell phone service, and the only alarm clock that we had was the sunrise. We lived in our bathing suits and didn’t ever know what our hair looked like. And in the middle of being unplugged, I had some hard conversations. Where the people who love me the most told me that it’s okay for me to admit that I can’t do it all. That I might need to clear a few nights a week to just breathe, to just be. Because at the pace I’ve been going – I’m heading down the road to being burnt out.

I’d love to tell you that I’m a finished product. That I’ve conquered all of my weaknesses. That insecurity, anxiety, stress, and frustration are never part of my days.

But that’s not reality.

From where I was last year, to where I am this year – I have made big steps in good directions. But I keep forgetting that I’m not expected to have it all together. That I still have time to take steps – and the journey isn’t being timed.

There are going to be moments where I overcommit and end up overwhelmed.

There are going to be moments where self-doubt is the loudest voice I’m hearing.

There are going to be moments where instead of talking about the struggle, I bottle it up.

But here’s what I know. I’m willing to do what it takes to have less of those moments. I’m willing to have hard conversations. To admit that I have reached my capacity. To listen to someone who loves me and can see from a different perspective. I’m willing to show the people I trust the broken places, even before they are fully healed.

I’m not done growing yet.

I don’t have it figured out.

And admitting that makes me feel so much more free.

Hello, friend. I’m Kelsey – and I’m so glad we don’t have to be perfect. Aren’t you?